Socks, socks, socks, everybody!

I've been putting off trying sock knitting for a week now. I've got the yarn and the dpn. I've watched iknitwithcatfur's YouTube tutorial for dpn repeatedly now and I've chosen to follow Silver's Sock Class for the pattern.

So what's the big deal? Why am I procrastinating?

Well the truth is that I'm fairly worried about my knitting abilities. It's been happening for a while now. The slow creeping monster that is Doubt. It's settling into my stomach. It's there when I cast on too small. It's there when my blanket squares come apart. It's there with each wip that isn't finished yet. With each constructive criticism.

I've always been sensitive, I don't take to teasing well, and I yearn to be good at knitting. So somewhere in this process I've become extremely worried that my knitting Is Not Good Enough. Buttons have fallen off, hats have been too small.

But The Husbando sat me down last night and pointed out I've only been knitting since January, that's only seven months! And I am getting much better! I can do things like a mattress stitch now, it might not stay together but I CAN do it! Rome wasn't built in a day. I just have to keep going, keep practicing, keep knitting.

I've always been hard on myself, especially because of my bipolar disorder and ocd. When I'm in a mixed episode or depressed or whatever it's harder to not pick out my flaws. But I'm trying to do those things less now.

And in order to do that I think it's time to knit for just me for a bit. That way I'm less worried about what people think of my knitting. I'll still be working on Christmas presents and stuff but no one is getting those for months.

So my first order of Jack Self Care Knits is a pair of socks. Because I CAN DO IT! I'M SURE I CAN!

So of course the first attempt was a disaster.

I cast on way to tight and couldn't slip the stitches onto the other needle! I decided I needed a break and some horse love before I packed in my needles for good out of fustration.

Jay Jay and me 

So after mom and I filled and cleaned horse water buckets, put some of this hoof oil on them, fly sprayed them, cleaned the guinea fowl coop and the chicken coop. I felt ready to try again. Thanks scenic farm life for refreshing my soul.

This time to reduce my tight cast on problem I took the advice of casting on to TWO dpn. 

And we are off to a much better, if sloppier, start! 

Okay and then I tried knitting my first row and things went....er...not great...

So I didn't master the dpn today. But I did get father and a little better with them, and I'll keep trying. And that's what's important and what matters. Maybe tomorrow I'll try with a thicker yarn, worsted weight maybe, and save my prettyThePaupersCloset's Purple Pygmy Puff Sock Yarn  for when I'm sure I won't destroy it. 

But I will get better. I won't give up. I won't let the voice in my head that is mental illness tell me I won't ever be good at knitting.

Which brings us to today's blanket square.

Well a new week means a new Dishcloth Weekly Knit a Long  . This time The Rank and File Dishcloth . Which has some complicated stuff I've never done before like wyif sl1. But I looked it up and thanks to KnitWith Pat Youtube I think I understand it. I decided to try just the rank and file part for my blanket square today. The first attempt ended up a disaster. I tried it by casting on 14 and ended up with 17 stitches because I was y/o instead of wyif sl1. But like I said, determined to make this knitting thing work!!

Starting to see it come together! 

And tada! My blanket square for the day, in the color hopeful. Because I am hopeful that I will get better with knitting, hopeful I will continue to grow with my knitting. I really love the colors and think it's cute. I'm proud of how it turned out. Phew. One thing to be proud of today. I'll take it!