Let's have a chat about mental illness

You see, I've had a really bad go of it for a few months now. It happens, but man did it all build up the last few weeks. I'm starting to feel like I'm coming out of it so I figured now was as good a time as any.

I have Bipolar Disorder. I'm not sure what you know, or think you know about this debilitating illness. Do you think of those happy/sad theatre masks? Do you think I go from screaming to crying in the span of seconds? Well, let's just erase all of that.

Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that comes in many shapes and forms. Mania, hypomania, depression, psychosis. Mania is a flood of energy, it's like all your thoughts are too fast and you can't stop them. You become impulsive, you believe you are invincible, you are high, and sometimes it won't stop moving so fast and it's not fun anymore. You miss sleep. You miss being able to string your thoughts together. Depression can and will crush you. You feel hopless, you stay asleep, you hate your life. Then there is rapid cycling. There is a lot to bipolar disorder, a lot more than just feeling sad and then happy! But instead of writing it all out here, take the time to read these resources: NIMH on "What is Bipolar Disorder", Help Guide.

I also have OCD. But no, it's not about organizing my colored pencils in ROYGBIV, it's not making my bed neat and tidy. It's not like that at all. It's an anxiety disorder that has compulsions, intrusive thoughts, obsessions. It can be checking things for hours on end. It can be repeating an action over and over. There is also a lot to this disorder so here are resources for that: IOCDF, "What is OCD?", OCDUK "Different Types of OCD".

I wanted to bring this up, after the inner hell that was these last few weeks because it's incredibly important to me to be fully and completely open about these mental illnesses. It is important to me to break the stigma surrounding them, by talking openly and loudly about it.

If I stay silent, if I don't yell about this I just continue to let the stigma grow. Stigma that keeps thousands of adults from seeking the help they need. And considering that People with OCD are TEN times more likely to commit suicide and People with Bipolar Disorder are TWENTY times more likely than the general population, it is really important we talk about it and encourage others who need help to get it. There is absolutely no shame in getting help.

When you say things like the "weather is so bipolar lol" or "man I am so OCD I cleaned my room for an hour!" you both deminish what a person is going through and make these disorders have a negative light to them. You add to this stigma.


On top of those things, there are many other ways you can add to a stigma or keep a person from getting the help they need. Are you infantilizing someone who is mentally ill? Have they tried to provide you with resources to help you better understand them yet you ignored them? Have you ignored their warning signs? Do you treat them like their illness and not like a person?

The long short of this is that it can be hard and tiring to have mental illness, and a lack of communication and the increase of stigma can make it much worse. I try my best to be a present and active member of society with my mental illness, but sometimes it's much too hard. I can be a downright shitty person. I always try to apologize and better my actions, but it is not easy, and it is less easy with little to no understanding of how I fight my brain everyday.

The great thing about having people in my life that do understand me and how my brain is, is that it becomes much easier. My sister will always help me manage my triggers, she will reassure me during panic attacks, she sends me cute and happy pictures. My husband brings home flowers to brighten my day, he makes sure I remember to stay hydrated and eat lunch, he asks how I am doing and holding up. These things help, until finally the fog lifts and I can do my best to be there for them too. My wish is for everyone to have a support system like this.

Please, if you need help, I urge you to contact a doctor or therapist. I believe in you, and it gets better. Click here for a list of hotlines for you to use if you need them.
Click here for more resources

Overall, things are going much better for me and on the whole I have it much better than a lot of people. I am loved and blessed and have a support system. I just felt like it was important for me to talk openly about mental illness, since many people don't know how to be there for others with mental illness, or will continue to add to the stigma, or don't know anything about disorders like ocd and bipolar disorder. I want to be the best version of myself, and to be a light of positivity in this world, and I can do that best by doing my best to be an open, honest individual about mental illness.

Flowers from the husbando, I share them with you! 

I want to end this post by telling you I believe in you. I know how brave you are, and how strong. I am so proud of you, for being you and being here today. You being here makes the world a better place. Thank you. 

I'm not sorry to see March go!

A day late March round up! Late is better than never right?

This month came in like a lion and went out like a lion, especially emotionally. Maybe next month will be better. I like April a lot.

First things first about this month! I learned to cable!

An Antler Hat  from TinCanKnits for my great niece. 

And a Classic Cable Knit Hat  for my husband! (Thanks for the pattern Jess !) 

It was on my list of things to do this year and I feel really accomplished I did that.

I finished a few other things that are worth mentioning, a Grain Shawl  for my sister, a honey cowl with friend yarn for myself, and I learned to crochet!

See? A crochet dishcloth!

I also got a huge knit picks order from my husband.

So many goodies!

And as an added surprise he got me Mothy and the Squid  minis! Deadly nightshade, industrial accident, and Easter egg! With markers!

And My Dear Friend Logan  sent me a hug cowl! It's so soft and lovely. And scraps for hexis and squares!

I got quite a few hexis done, and blanket squares.

But that's pretty much all I've gotten done as far as fiber. It's been a long month, that ended with my husband being ill for a week. I'm pretty tired.

These are my current wips:

A virus shawl, Hitchhiker , and a yellow hexi.

I don't have much else to say. Everything had been fairly miserable on the homestead. Especially for someone who suffers with OCD, and Bipolar Disorder. I've been trying my best and hanging in there.

But we did do some fun things this month.

Like go out for sushi

And go to the park

And play Pokémon Go

And I won a really cool poke ball from Zoe.Creates on instagram ! 

Here's the round up:

March Round Up:
3 hats (1 charity one)
1 softie
0 coin purse
0 pair of socks
1 shawl
5 dishcloths
1 cowl
0 scarf
0 blanket
7 mitered blanket squares
5 hexipuffs

Year to date round up :
3 pairs of socks
3 softies
3 charity hat
5 unrelated hats
4 dyed yarns
2 shawl
1 blanket
0 sweater
1 scarf
2 cowl
0 glove/fingerless gloves
5 dishcloths
1 coin purse
 27 mitered blanket squares
 11 hexipuffs


Total things knit = 14 (not counting blanket squares and puffs)
Total dyed yarns = 4
Total things loomed: 6
Total things crocheted: 4

Things out of 2017 goal list completed: 8 out of 13

So that's about it. See you next month. (Whoops, it is next month).

P.S. look what husbando bought me to cheer me up and as thank you for taking care of him! Books and yarn!

The yarn is Easter Moon Rocks and Mochi by TiltingPlanet ! Isn't it pretty?!

Pokémon and the Herald Shawl, of course.

I told you, the brain fog of depressive episodes has a death grip on my want to write blog posts. On my want to knit any real projects really. I've just been knitting real slowly. Really, really slowly. Mostly I've been making a lot of headway on the Herald Shawl. It's turning out really lovely and it's going to mean so much to me and it's turning out that I love shawl knitting so much.

I finished rereading the entire Harry Potter series, ending with the Cursed Child. I love that series so much. It means so much to me. 

I started reading The Ocean at The End of The Lane by Neil Gaiman. I needed a little fantasy and magic in my life. 

And my sister and I have been playing a lot of Pokémon lately. We've been chaining for shiny Pokémon and today since The Husbando is off we are watching the Pokémon Diamond and Pearl anime. It's really been a lot of fun and super soothing. My alpha sapphire team is coming along nicely and I have a shiny poochyena named Butterscotch!! 

It may seem silly or childish but the Herald Shawl and Pokémon are what have been helping me through the brain fog this time. I'm really thankful for them. 

I'm sure soon it'll be time to come out of the dark woods in my brain. Hang in there folks, I'll be back to regular posting soon! X

Have a silly picture of my cutie pies for now:

P.S I'd also really like to thank the Fingerless Friends CAL group and my knitting friends, they are the best and they always make me laugh and smile everyday. You all are the best. 

It's Been a While: Darkness.

I know I haven't been too good at updating lately. Or being a friend. Or staying in touch.

I've been struggling with my mental health. I think I'm crashing into a depressive episode and I'm finding it hard to want to do anything, I'm finding it hard to find motivation. It's like there is a large swallowing hole inside me. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. I'm sorry.

I've been working here and there on some knitting projects. A bit on my mom's snow day slippers a bit on my  sister's mistake rib scarf, I cast on for The Husbando's birthday mitts. But none of these things light a fire inside of me. They're work. I force myself to do a little every morning. I know I'll love the end product and I'll love giving them to their owners, but I don't know.

It's a deep emptiness lately.

I've been filling it with two things. Reading and knitting the Herald Shawl.

I've been rereading Harry Potter and Darkness is My Only Companion a Christian Response to Mental Illness. I find both are very helpful in guiding me out of my own "darkness." The latter is extremely well written and a very good read for anyone who has bipolar disorder and is Christian. Or is mentally ill for that matter.

The Herald Shawl seems to be the only thing holding my interest in knitting lately. I knit my hopes, my thoughts, my sadness into it. I knit my dust ration out onto it. I knit and think through everything.

I knit it and think through my resentment about how I've been told I can't have babies because of my bipolar disorder and ocd. I knit it and cry. I knit it and feel better. I knit it and smile and laugh and play video games with my sister and The Husbando and feel like the sun will shine tomorrow. I knit it when I curl up on the kitchen floor overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts and am convinced the sun won't shine tomorrow. Either way, every day at least one repetition of the 8 rows gets knit. And it's helping me, A LOT. 

And it'll pass. The darkness. It always does. I probably messed up taking my medication once or twice this week, and need to be more careful about that. But I know it'll pass. I'm stronger than the darkness. My God is a brighter light than the darkness. 

Until then, bare with my fewer updates. I'll try to be better at it. Xo. 

What To Make the Husband & Wool.

Last night my husband asked if I could make him a hooded cowl. This excited me and I spent hours and hours looking at yarn and patterns only to decided I didn't think Amy of them were in my skill level just yet. So I spent most of my morning looking at things with the help of ravelry that I could make him as a present. I think I've finally decided on These Fingerless Mitts. The thumb shaping looks hard, and they are in the round, but I'm ready for a challenge and I picked a yarn out The Husbando will look stellar in.

And today in the mail my mother in law sent me yarn! A homespun wool yarn! My first wool yarn! It's so soft and squishy!

It's so soft I love it. I've been so excited and talking to so many people on Ravelry about wool and patterns today my head might explode! I'm so excited about all things yarn related. 

I think you can even start to see the pattern on the campfire dishcloth for the weekly knit a long! 

And today's blanket square is a pattern I sort of made up on my own. It's knit, purls, a slipped stitch, a psso, and I'm a bit manic. It's safe to say I'm a bit rapid cycle-y with these weather changes and what not. 

I actually really like the way the pattern turned out. I'll never remember what it is I did, which is too bad because it's a nice texture. 

I Think I Fell In Love Again .....

...or maybe just took to much cough medicine. I've been listening to Fall Out Boy today, that clever lyric is from American Beauty/American Pyscho.

I spent my morning researching cotton yarns as my mom has requested that I make her some dishcloths for the kitchen in maroon or black. I think I've decided on Knit picks Dishie or Lily Sugar n Cream as most forums seem to agree those are the best. What do you readers think? What holds up the best over time for you? What's the best machine washable cotton yarn you've used?

I've also been playing yarn chicken this morning with the sleeve of the teddy bear sweater. Sort of? I mean, I'm pretty certain there is more than enough here for an inch more of knitting, but I'm so bad at judging these kinds of things there may not be. I really don't know! I should be casting off this sleeve by this evening, though. That will leave me with just one sleeve left and the seeming it all together to go. 

Don't know why the pictures sideways, but I won't bind off until this evening when I see how the sleeve fits on the bear. 

I've been doing laundry and knitting the campfire dishcloth for the Dishcloth Weekly Knit A Long. Did some knitting on the porch with mom. I'm not seeing the pattern and km worried that I picked a yarn that is too "busy" for it to show up, but I'm only two repeats of the sixteen needed in so I guess we will see.

I've had a headache all day, and my mood is just kind of bleh. I'm not sure why. I think maybe it's just the seasons changing. I love fall but season changes are hard on my mood. It feels like everything is changing and it makes me kind of nostalgic and slow feeling. It's kind of hard to describe, I just feel like I'm stuck in syrup. Like I crashed into a maple syrup bottle and everything is slow and sticky and too sweet. I don't know.

Anyway, I made the the broken rib stitch for my blanket square today.

And I'm cheered up quite a bit because my sister is talking to me about what she wants me to knit her and The Husbando brought me home frozen custard.

IT'S DONE!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S RIGHT THE DISHCLOTH SET FOR THE WOMAN AT THE ARTIST GUILD IS DONE!!!!!

I'm so proud of myself for sticking with it and getting it done 3 days before the deadline. Someone should send me yarn as a reward. I had to bribe myself towards the last 5 rows by saying I would give myself ice cream and a cigarette when I was done.

Now I can go back to my other knitting projects!!! Like using this YouTube tutorial to learn to m1 for the Beginner's Seemless Hat I am knitting for my dad as a hunting hat for Christmas. It's my first fairly successful in the round knitting attempt and it's going well so far!

And I'm on chapter 6 of Patterns in the Sand, the second Seaside Knitters Mystery Novel. 

Overall, today I'm feeling kind of bleh and little down. Probably crashing from being so up and manic and from finishing projects so zealously and this is the last square of a whole row on my mood blanket. I tried the Crest of the Wave Lace ThingAMaWhazit for the blanket square today and I don't like how it came out. It's not very square either, but I will make it work. Meh. Tomorrow is the start of a new week. I hope this week is a good one. 

Purl, Slip, Purl, Slip, Purl, Slip

It's possible I may lose my mind. I may never do the lovely Rank and File dishcloths again. I only have to make one more, I reason. I already have the seed stitch border done, I chortle. It'll knit up quickly now that it's been permanently embedded in my brain, I whimper.

I forget sometimes that I have a tiny knitting attention span, I like changing between several patterns. After this, I look forward to the sea of stockinette stitch on my dad'said Christmas hat.

I just need to finish one dishcloth for the woman at the artist guild. That's all. It's all I've knit for the last couple of days. Is this pattern.

At one point I changed the words to a Celtics Women song to involve the pattern. You know. "I'm purrrrrlllllling alllll the stitches, and then slipping them off the left, then doing a seed stitch boooorderrr, god I never want to do a seeeeed stitch border agaaaaaain" while waving my hands like I was swimming through the house.

The Husbando believed that taking my hands in his and saying "this is time you could be knitting, then you'd be closer to done" would be the best way of getting me closer to sanity. I said some not nice things about his fate and double pointed needles.


But in other news, out power was out for a few hours today. So I actually knit and finished reading The Yarn Harlot Secret Life of a Knitter. It was a really good book. It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me want to knit. I highly recommend it, like you should go buy it and read it now. Now I'm reading the second seaside knitters mystery novel, since the library has the third one in for me and The Husbando said he would pick it up for me tomorrow.

For today's blanket square I'm still a bit manic. I tried the weird brioche rib Thing and it went bad.

I don't know what happened and my fingers hurt so I'm soothing my self by just doing stockinette for a square today.

Usually after mania there is a bit of a crash so let's hope that doesn't happen.

And now I go on my merry little way to knit more dishcloth. 

Dye Day!! (Tory Don't Read!!!)

Today is yarn dying day!!!! I woke up early, got the chores done and rushed out to the post office to mail some letters and stop by the farmers market to get Tory's yarn to dye. It's 100% alpaca and fingering weight.

The farmers market 

Yarn predye

And presoak!

I love the dying process. It's exciting and a little nerve-wracking. It's a creative process, so many things could go wrong. I'm a glutton so punishment. What can I say?

But I think things went off without a hitch this time. Since Tory loves Lord of The Rings I decided to dye Mount Doom colored yarn. Here is a progress picture:

Now I knew the colors wouldn't stay quite like that after the 30 minute simmer. They would darken and the red would take over some of the yellow, but I figured it would still look like lava and Mount Doom.  But the 30 minutes of weight was giving me stress ulcers for sure.

But I think it came out lovely, the colors darkened but to make a lovely slow gradient from orange to red with yellow in there, the perfect lava.

Outside drying, which will take forever in this overcast humidity. 

Isn't it so pretty??? I hope Tory loves it!! 

While it dries I plan to work more on the dishcloths for the woman at the artist guild. I also did the math with The Husbando last night and at the rate with with I knit now, my current planned Christmas projects should be done by April 2017. I only cried and laughed hysterically a little bit. I swear. I always bite off more than I can chew. But I work well when push comes to shove. So I'm not worried yet. Maybe a little manic, yeah. But not worried.

I also made triple chocolate cookies today.

Chocolate chips, chocolate batter, chocolate milk, nutmeg, and just a little sage. 

And I had all this done before noon today. So I am probably a bit manic.

But when the yarn was done drying I then rolled it into ready to knit balls, wrapped it up in pretty ribbon so Tory could tell where to beginning was, and attached pretty watercolor wash tags to it!!

I really hope she likes it, the package will be going out towards her tomorrow!!! 

I'm really pleased with how these dye colors turned out, they're a bit lighter in person and some of the blank alpaca shoes through which I kind of think lends to the whole "hot lava" thing. I wanted to make mount doom for her because it's the center of the books, the beginning and the end of them. Its the place Sam and Frodo go together.

And I finished one of the set of dishcloths for the woman at the artist guild today! It looks good in neon fleck. Mania is good for being overly productive. 

I decided to make a manic/wildfire blanket square today as I am a touch speedy, I did run around getting an awful lot done without stopping at all. But I will make sure to ground myself tonight and drink lots of water and relax and read more Yarn Harlow Secret Life of Knitter and work on the second of the pair of dishcloths. I chose to do this square in a Scallops Pattern because it looks a bit like a sunrise and I feel like that fit today overall! This also involved learning how to PSSO!

That's all for today!