Let's have a chat about mental illness

You see, I've had a really bad go of it for a few months now. It happens, but man did it all build up the last few weeks. I'm starting to feel like I'm coming out of it so I figured now was as good a time as any.

I have Bipolar Disorder. I'm not sure what you know, or think you know about this debilitating illness. Do you think of those happy/sad theatre masks? Do you think I go from screaming to crying in the span of seconds? Well, let's just erase all of that.

Bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that comes in many shapes and forms. Mania, hypomania, depression, psychosis. Mania is a flood of energy, it's like all your thoughts are too fast and you can't stop them. You become impulsive, you believe you are invincible, you are high, and sometimes it won't stop moving so fast and it's not fun anymore. You miss sleep. You miss being able to string your thoughts together. Depression can and will crush you. You feel hopless, you stay asleep, you hate your life. Then there is rapid cycling. There is a lot to bipolar disorder, a lot more than just feeling sad and then happy! But instead of writing it all out here, take the time to read these resources: NIMH on "What is Bipolar Disorder", Help Guide.

I also have OCD. But no, it's not about organizing my colored pencils in ROYGBIV, it's not making my bed neat and tidy. It's not like that at all. It's an anxiety disorder that has compulsions, intrusive thoughts, obsessions. It can be checking things for hours on end. It can be repeating an action over and over. There is also a lot to this disorder so here are resources for that: IOCDF, "What is OCD?", OCDUK "Different Types of OCD".

I wanted to bring this up, after the inner hell that was these last few weeks because it's incredibly important to me to be fully and completely open about these mental illnesses. It is important to me to break the stigma surrounding them, by talking openly and loudly about it.

If I stay silent, if I don't yell about this I just continue to let the stigma grow. Stigma that keeps thousands of adults from seeking the help they need. And considering that People with OCD are TEN times more likely to commit suicide and People with Bipolar Disorder are TWENTY times more likely than the general population, it is really important we talk about it and encourage others who need help to get it. There is absolutely no shame in getting help.

When you say things like the "weather is so bipolar lol" or "man I am so OCD I cleaned my room for an hour!" you both deminish what a person is going through and make these disorders have a negative light to them. You add to this stigma.


On top of those things, there are many other ways you can add to a stigma or keep a person from getting the help they need. Are you infantilizing someone who is mentally ill? Have they tried to provide you with resources to help you better understand them yet you ignored them? Have you ignored their warning signs? Do you treat them like their illness and not like a person?

The long short of this is that it can be hard and tiring to have mental illness, and a lack of communication and the increase of stigma can make it much worse. I try my best to be a present and active member of society with my mental illness, but sometimes it's much too hard. I can be a downright shitty person. I always try to apologize and better my actions, but it is not easy, and it is less easy with little to no understanding of how I fight my brain everyday.

The great thing about having people in my life that do understand me and how my brain is, is that it becomes much easier. My sister will always help me manage my triggers, she will reassure me during panic attacks, she sends me cute and happy pictures. My husband brings home flowers to brighten my day, he makes sure I remember to stay hydrated and eat lunch, he asks how I am doing and holding up. These things help, until finally the fog lifts and I can do my best to be there for them too. My wish is for everyone to have a support system like this.

Please, if you need help, I urge you to contact a doctor or therapist. I believe in you, and it gets better. Click here for a list of hotlines for you to use if you need them.
Click here for more resources

Overall, things are going much better for me and on the whole I have it much better than a lot of people. I am loved and blessed and have a support system. I just felt like it was important for me to talk openly about mental illness, since many people don't know how to be there for others with mental illness, or will continue to add to the stigma, or don't know anything about disorders like ocd and bipolar disorder. I want to be the best version of myself, and to be a light of positivity in this world, and I can do that best by doing my best to be an open, honest individual about mental illness.

Flowers from the husbando, I share them with you! 

I want to end this post by telling you I believe in you. I know how brave you are, and how strong. I am so proud of you, for being you and being here today. You being here makes the world a better place. Thank you. 

Casting on the Honey Cowl, So Many WIPs!

I didn't give up after yesterday's hat disaster. In fact I think I know what I did wrong. I didn't do the ribbed brim, and I was doing garter instead of stockinette so the body was shorter than the pattern called for when I started shaping the crown.

But I totally need a hat break. I'm going to work on some things for me I think. It's less stressful that way because I don't feel as compelled to have them be perfect. When I gift them, I feel like they HAVE TO BE THE BEST KNIT PRESENT IN THE WHOLE WORLD EVER. So for now I'm going to work on my Nell's Sea Silk Scarf, and a cowl for myself, and maybe passively some slippers for my mom and using the dishcloth weekly knit a long some dishcloths for Christmas presents.

The cowl I decided to make myself is the Honey Cowl using the wool from my mother in law and the indigo dyed yarn The Husbando bought me from a woman in town. I think it'll be really pretty.

So yes, lots of wips. The honey cowl, Nell's Scarf, mom's slippers, and the weekly dishcloth.

The yarn I'm using for my mom's snow day slippers. 

I had great plans to knit today. Seize the day and all that. But instead all I did was get one round on the honey cowl done. And I think I twisted the stitches.

My mom started here new job today and I'm very excited for her, but it means a new routine for us around the house which is jarring and is throwing me off.

Blargh. I feel like my brain is moving too fast. I WANT to knit but I'm just having trouble getting TOO it and enjoying it. It's like some weird form of knitters block.
(And let's be honest, after casting on and knitting a round of 110 stitches only to have to rip it out because it was twisted I'm feeling a little scorned too).


Today's blanket square is manic, and I made it in a mini honey cowl pattern.


I just wonder if my knitting mojo is gone. It's been a rough couple of days.

What To Make the Husband & Wool.

Last night my husband asked if I could make him a hooded cowl. This excited me and I spent hours and hours looking at yarn and patterns only to decided I didn't think Amy of them were in my skill level just yet. So I spent most of my morning looking at things with the help of ravelry that I could make him as a present. I think I've finally decided on These Fingerless Mitts. The thumb shaping looks hard, and they are in the round, but I'm ready for a challenge and I picked a yarn out The Husbando will look stellar in.

And today in the mail my mother in law sent me yarn! A homespun wool yarn! My first wool yarn! It's so soft and squishy!

It's so soft I love it. I've been so excited and talking to so many people on Ravelry about wool and patterns today my head might explode! I'm so excited about all things yarn related. 

I think you can even start to see the pattern on the campfire dishcloth for the weekly knit a long! 

And today's blanket square is a pattern I sort of made up on my own. It's knit, purls, a slipped stitch, a psso, and I'm a bit manic. It's safe to say I'm a bit rapid cycle-y with these weather changes and what not. 

I actually really like the way the pattern turned out. I'll never remember what it is I did, which is too bad because it's a nice texture. 

Purl, Slip, Purl, Slip, Purl, Slip

It's possible I may lose my mind. I may never do the lovely Rank and File dishcloths again. I only have to make one more, I reason. I already have the seed stitch border done, I chortle. It'll knit up quickly now that it's been permanently embedded in my brain, I whimper.

I forget sometimes that I have a tiny knitting attention span, I like changing between several patterns. After this, I look forward to the sea of stockinette stitch on my dad'said Christmas hat.

I just need to finish one dishcloth for the woman at the artist guild. That's all. It's all I've knit for the last couple of days. Is this pattern.

At one point I changed the words to a Celtics Women song to involve the pattern. You know. "I'm purrrrrlllllling alllll the stitches, and then slipping them off the left, then doing a seed stitch boooorderrr, god I never want to do a seeeeed stitch border agaaaaaain" while waving my hands like I was swimming through the house.

The Husbando believed that taking my hands in his and saying "this is time you could be knitting, then you'd be closer to done" would be the best way of getting me closer to sanity. I said some not nice things about his fate and double pointed needles.


But in other news, out power was out for a few hours today. So I actually knit and finished reading The Yarn Harlot Secret Life of a Knitter. It was a really good book. It made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me want to knit. I highly recommend it, like you should go buy it and read it now. Now I'm reading the second seaside knitters mystery novel, since the library has the third one in for me and The Husbando said he would pick it up for me tomorrow.

For today's blanket square I'm still a bit manic. I tried the weird brioche rib Thing and it went bad.

I don't know what happened and my fingers hurt so I'm soothing my self by just doing stockinette for a square today.

Usually after mania there is a bit of a crash so let's hope that doesn't happen.

And now I go on my merry little way to knit more dishcloth. 

Dye Day!! (Tory Don't Read!!!)

Today is yarn dying day!!!! I woke up early, got the chores done and rushed out to the post office to mail some letters and stop by the farmers market to get Tory's yarn to dye. It's 100% alpaca and fingering weight.

The farmers market 

Yarn predye

And presoak!

I love the dying process. It's exciting and a little nerve-wracking. It's a creative process, so many things could go wrong. I'm a glutton so punishment. What can I say?

But I think things went off without a hitch this time. Since Tory loves Lord of The Rings I decided to dye Mount Doom colored yarn. Here is a progress picture:

Now I knew the colors wouldn't stay quite like that after the 30 minute simmer. They would darken and the red would take over some of the yellow, but I figured it would still look like lava and Mount Doom.  But the 30 minutes of weight was giving me stress ulcers for sure.

But I think it came out lovely, the colors darkened but to make a lovely slow gradient from orange to red with yellow in there, the perfect lava.

Outside drying, which will take forever in this overcast humidity. 

Isn't it so pretty??? I hope Tory loves it!! 

While it dries I plan to work more on the dishcloths for the woman at the artist guild. I also did the math with The Husbando last night and at the rate with with I knit now, my current planned Christmas projects should be done by April 2017. I only cried and laughed hysterically a little bit. I swear. I always bite off more than I can chew. But I work well when push comes to shove. So I'm not worried yet. Maybe a little manic, yeah. But not worried.

I also made triple chocolate cookies today.

Chocolate chips, chocolate batter, chocolate milk, nutmeg, and just a little sage. 

And I had all this done before noon today. So I am probably a bit manic.

But when the yarn was done drying I then rolled it into ready to knit balls, wrapped it up in pretty ribbon so Tory could tell where to beginning was, and attached pretty watercolor wash tags to it!!

I really hope she likes it, the package will be going out towards her tomorrow!!! 

I'm really pleased with how these dye colors turned out, they're a bit lighter in person and some of the blank alpaca shoes through which I kind of think lends to the whole "hot lava" thing. I wanted to make mount doom for her because it's the center of the books, the beginning and the end of them. Its the place Sam and Frodo go together.

And I finished one of the set of dishcloths for the woman at the artist guild today! It looks good in neon fleck. Mania is good for being overly productive. 

I decided to make a manic/wildfire blanket square today as I am a touch speedy, I did run around getting an awful lot done without stopping at all. But I will make sure to ground myself tonight and drink lots of water and relax and read more Yarn Harlow Secret Life of Knitter and work on the second of the pair of dishcloths. I chose to do this square in a Scallops Pattern because it looks a bit like a sunrise and I feel like that fit today overall! This also involved learning how to PSSO!

That's all for today!