Friday, September 23, 2016

It's Been a While: Darkness.

I know I haven't been too good at updating lately. Or being a friend. Or staying in touch.

I've been struggling with my mental health. I think I'm crashing into a depressive episode and I'm finding it hard to want to do anything, I'm finding it hard to find motivation. It's like there is a large swallowing hole inside me. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. I'm sorry.

I've been working here and there on some knitting projects. A bit on my mom's snow day slippers a bit on my  sister's mistake rib scarf, I cast on for The Husbando's birthday mitts. But none of these things light a fire inside of me. They're work. I force myself to do a little every morning. I know I'll love the end product and I'll love giving them to their owners, but I don't know.

It's a deep emptiness lately.

I've been filling it with two things. Reading and knitting the Herald Shawl.

I've been rereading Harry Potter and Darkness is My Only Companion a Christian Response to Mental Illness. I find both are very helpful in guiding me out of my own "darkness." The latter is extremely well written and a very good read for anyone who has bipolar disorder and is Christian. Or is mentally ill for that matter.

The Herald Shawl seems to be the only thing holding my interest in knitting lately. I knit my hopes, my thoughts, my sadness into it. I knit my dust ration out onto it. I knit and think through everything.

I knit it and think through my resentment about how I've been told I can't have babies because of my bipolar disorder and ocd. I knit it and cry. I knit it and feel better. I knit it and smile and laugh and play video games with my sister and The Husbando and feel like the sun will shine tomorrow. I knit it when I curl up on the kitchen floor overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts and am convinced the sun won't shine tomorrow. Either way, every day at least one repetition of the 8 rows gets knit. And it's helping me, A LOT. 

And it'll pass. The darkness. It always does. I probably messed up taking my medication once or twice this week, and need to be more careful about that. But I know it'll pass. I'm stronger than the darkness. My God is a brighter light than the darkness. 

Until then, bare with my fewer updates. I'll try to be better at it. Xo. 

No comments:

Post a Comment